Honey + Bread

by Mikey Maybe

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about

This album was made possible by Joe Gurba, Bethany Gurba, Mitch Holtby, Doug Hoyer, Stephanie Macdermott, Scott Bamber, and my family (call your mom).

For my fans. But, like, actually. Thank you.

credits

released 21 May 2013
“Honey+Bread” was written, produced, and recorded by Mikey Hamm.

Mitchmatic’s lyrics by Mitch Holtby, Franny’s lyrics by Bethany Gurba, and The Joe’s lyrics by Joe Gurba. “Swim Pretty” features guitar by Liam Trimble and keys by Mitch Holtby. Mixed by Mikey Hamm and Doug Organ. Mastered by Doug Organ (edmontone.com). Photography by Carmyn Joy Effa (carmynjoy.com). Album layout by Joe Gurba and Mikey Hamm. Honey+Bread is an Old Ugly album (olduglyco.com.)

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Track Name: Honey + Bread
[Verse 1]
Laugh tracks in my flashbacks.
Want a wife, a couple kids and a hatchback.
I wanna write (drafts crumpled in the trashcan).
Get a date, write a book, book a cat scan.

Put a gift card in a tip jar
then try to get a bar star in your Smart Car®.
I love life but my love life needs a kick start
(kind heart, need a swift kick in the hind parts).

[Chorus]
Marriage Material, still eating carrots and cereal,
still eating honey and bread*!
I'm just trying to be funny and what, funny and dead?
Life's all sunny and wet (money and debt), like,
all I wanna do is cuddle in bed, once my stomach is fed,
you know, honey and bread.
Somebody please save me from a ton of regret.
You can rent me a tux put a gun to my head.
I'm like:

[Verse 2]
We need a big break at the think tank,
then I can hit this debt load with a shrink ray,
I can scan a bar code with a smart phone,
but I can't find a nice place in my price range?!?

I'm eating cream cheese on a Wheat Thin®.
I'm at home, I'm in a robe on a sheep skin.
I'm at home, It's 10pm on a weekend.
Get a date, write a book, book treatment.

[Chorus]
Marriage Material, still eating carrots and cereal,
still eating honey and bread.
I'm just trying to be funny and what, funny and dead?!?
Life's all sunny and wet (money and debt), like,
all I wanna do is cuddle in bed, once my stomach is fed,
you know, honey and bread.
Somebody please save me from a ton of regret,
You can rent me the tux put a gun to my head.
I'm like:

[Outro/Panic attack]
No, no, no, yes, yes, yes...


*this is the name of the album
Track Name: Mazda, Mazda
[Chorus]

Girl, get in my Mazda®, Mazda®.
You might have seen me on the plasma, plasma.
It's all about you every stanza, stanza
and do do do do do I make you breathless or do you have asthma?

[Verse 1]

It's Mikey Maybe, in my Mercedes®
I liked this lady, and bought her daisies
It was a bouquet, and she said "Okay"
We packed some whole-grain sandwiches and croquet

And had a picnic, and ate some triscuits®
And then we listened to Joe's album and we "dissed" it
We drank the sunlight, and then some Sunlight®,
and then we crossed the street and had a gunfight [untrue].

[Chorus]

Girl, get in my Mazda®, Mazda®.
You might have seen me on the plasma, plasma.
It's all about you every stanza, stanza
and do do do do do I make you breathless or do you have asthma?

[Verse 2]
Tonight we stayed in, she had great skin,
she brought gin, we drank [a responsible amount of] gin.
I hate gin.
We watched youtube®, and ate cuscus,
and then we killed a couple chickens practiced voodoo (satanic and bad).

My house has ghosts now. (oh no) We danced to motown (yah yah)
and drank some soy stuff GROSS I guess it's "low cal" (yucky)
She smelled like Pantene® (yah yah) and felt like hand cream (oh no)
I tried to kiss her as we jumped on someone's trampoline (love)

[Chorus]

Girl, get in my Mazda®, Mazda®.
You might have seen me on the plasma, plasma.
It's all about you every stanza, stanza
and do do do do do I make you breathless or do you have asthma?

[Verse 3]
I got mad game. Meet me half way, at the café. Have the champagne. Have the crab legs. Have the plantain/banana pancakes. Have my hand—wait. That lampshade is handmade. How's you flambé?

If your pâté is blasé or tastes like mayonnaise, we can dine and dash, fine!, we'll sashay out the back way to my black jag (Jaguar®). Rocket fuel in the gas tank. Fast lane forever, pull a "U", pull a hand brake.

Oh! And look at you with your handbag. Let's stroll down the pathways, cascade down the manmade hills, get grass stains, get old, get back pain, sell Amway®.

'Cuz your eyes are like flash bangs and your skin is the color of a Band-aid®. My heart was dry like an ashtray, now I'm going to cry and we're going to need sandbags, girl.

[Chorus]

Girl, get in my Mazda®, Mazda®.
You might have seen me on the plasma, plasma.
It's all about you every stanza, stanza
and do do do do do I make you breathless or do you have asthma?
Track Name: Bra Straps
[Chorus]
(Eyes) Bra straps.
(Hair) Sundress.
(Personality) You're blowing my mind.
(Eyes) Bra straps.
(Hair) Sundress.
(Personality)

[Verse 1]
I've got a friend, she's a pretty good friend.
(She might be here, so let's call her Shalicia)
And... (we used to work together, then we lived together, so?)
And... (it was cool, we were close but not awkward.)
And I was dope and so focused until one afternoon!
I saw her looking fine cooking pie in a sundress.
Why in a sundress?? And pie? Why pie?!?
I tried not to hear the call of the trumpets but BLAM!
Man, this wasn't the plan.
I'm high from the love it's like climbing a summit.
I'm happy AND sad.
My eyelids are crusted from crying at sunset.
HA-HA! That's neat.
What's the point of eating or sleep?
What's the point of classes or rapping
when I can make crafts and buy her antiques?
Flowers to lay at her feet.
What happened, man? I'm actually very exacting!
Self-aware but in fact the way that you're acting*,
baby, is very distracting!

[Chorus]
(Eyes) Bra straps
(Hair) Sundress
(Personality) You're blowing my mind.
(Eyes) Bra straps
(Hair) Open toed shoes
(Personality) You're blowing my mi–

[Verse 2]
I don't care about girls. Not really.
I got 99 problems, man.**
I mean, I'm not selling contraband
but I do got quite a few Farmville® crops to plant! (It's hard!)

I've got mouths to feed, and while you're sound asleep,
I'm sort of an insomniac (who takes naps)
And I can't just stop and chat
to every pretty young thing at the laundry mat.

Pretty young things at the bar with their hair and things,
while their sippin' on their vodka crans.
They're probably livin' with their moms and dads.
They probably want me to kiss them and stuff!
I don't got time for it!

There's a brand new Loyd Banks album coming out,
and I gotta stand in line for it!
I just ordered this scrapbooking kit, man!
I gotta sign for it...

[spots girl across the bar]

...WHAT? You're an actress?
And an apprenticing blacksmith?
Who teaches poor kids gymnastics?
What do you wear when you're doing that? Spandex®?

I've noticed your sundress is strapless.
I've noticed your glasses, noticed your lashes,
noticed your accent but haven't
noticed I'm actually very distracted!

[Chorus]
(Eyes) Bra straps
(Hair) Sundress
(Personality) Oh, oh, you're blowing my mind!
(Eyes) Cardigans
(Hair) Red rubber boots
(Personality) Ha! Baby, you're blowing my mind!!
(Eyes) Tiny sweaters
(Hair) Big sweaters
(Personality) Baby, baby, blowing my mind!
(Eyes) Bra straps
(Hair) Bra straps
(Personality) Those bra straps keep blowing my minNnN DDDD¥¨ †®∂ DD

[Verse 3]
Darling!
Every time I step outside,
to go to work or to the mall, to read a book, finish a podcast,
some little number blows my mind.
Man, the bra strap on these mall rats,
these coffee shop girls***, these honeys, these tomcats!
It's Amy Shostak****, in a ball cap,
she's shopping at Soft Mac***** .
She's buying heels and I can feel the Godsmack
coming out her ear buds!
My tear ducts
are gonna get some action,
cuz these girls are too distracting.


* In truth, the way you act is up to you. It should not be dictated by any man, no matter how annihilated he is by your glorious style choices. That is his problem, not your problem. This song is meant to be a joke at my own expense, not an actual request for you to change the way you act. Carry on, wonderfuls.
** A Jay-Z reference, Mom. Jay-Z is a popular rapper, Grandma.
*** in reference to local emcee A.O.K's song, "Coffee Shop Girl"
**** a local celebrity, key player in the Edmonton improv scene, great person, and good sport
*****I thought it was Soft Mac when I recorded this song. It's not. It's Soft Moc®. Soft Moc® doesn't rhyme with bra straps. Nice knowing all of you.
Track Name: Bad Boy (Grow up, Mikey)
[When things don't seem to go your way, you may try to change yourself. In the process, you might mistake boldness for badness, or goodness for niceness.]


I drank a whole glass of pepsi®
and won't sleep tonight, so text me,
I heard you like me, that's sexy.
Let's be borderline borderline, let's be messy,
I think that you've been sent here to test me
and I'm ready to fail.
I'm sick of acin', first placin', tastin'
champagne, fresh spagetti and quail.
I wanna change tactics, taste your ChapStick®,
I really like that you don't got no pedicured nails.
You're beautiful, natural cuticles,
you're off work, dressed down, in your casual usuals.
I'm done straight-lacin', passion's immutable,
I just quit, threw a fit, smashed up a cubicle!!!
Black eye, loose tie, nosebleed.
You should see my manager, the bro's got no teeth.
Oh! You're so sweet, you liked the old me,
but you love me now, I can tell by your crow's feet.

Nice guy with a bad boy flavor.
Track Name: Scrambled Eggs
[Verse 1]
Say my name, Say my name*,
It's Mikey Maybe, I think I met you around Valentine's Day
Oh Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh,
And didn't call you til the summer time.

We played Tetris®**, you beat me,
about a hundred times with you on hard and me on easy,
And then I helped you walk your cat.
(Steven. Steven. Steven the Cat)

[Chorus]
And I kissed you on the sofa, (sofa)
And your roommate made us scrambled eggs, (scrambled eggs)
Those eggs were so dang good,
Those eggs were so dang good, (dang dang dang dang good)
What the heck were in those eggs!!

[Verse 2]
Your shirt smells like a cafe, vanilla bean frappé,
...but in a bad way.
'Cause I got caffeine withdrawal,
stop sittin' lookin' pretty and just gimme what I want!

But what I needed was freedom,
or something to believe in (I didn't know the reason).
And we played Scrabble® at Steeps and
I let you win because I didn't want to break your heart.

[Chorus]
And I said I couldn't date you, (date you)
And you said you didn't date. (you said you didn't date)
You weren't upset at all,
You weren't upset at all, (You weren't upset at all)
You weren't upset at all,
That hardly even make sense!!!!

[Breakdown/Emotional Breakdown]

*from a popular song by I think Ke$ha?
**Tetris Attack®
Track Name: [eggshells]
[One time while playing live, I slowed my Scrambled Eggs beat down and sang in a Jamaican accent. Doug Hoyer laughed, so I kept doing it, to death. The accent didn't stay but I still liked the groove so I recorded it. And now you have to skip this song all the time.]
Track Name: Sunburnt
[They aren't a trophy, they're someone you'll need to be able to spend a lot of time with.]

The last guy she dated taught yoga to divorcees,
my last girlfriend wore pyjamas to a court date.
But here we are, eating sorbet, warm summer day,
she's like sugar, spice, scholarships, and taste.

I'm just blood and guts and hardened arteries.
A punk junkie pullin' guns robbin' pharmacies,
She's trying to finish up her arts degree.
She's got a 10-year-plan, she's got friends and a family.

In 10 years, I'll be dead, I'll be old news,
I'll be in a landfill, compost, crow food.
I'll be bone screws, scattered among the toadstools.
No money, nobody for it to go to.

Her parents met back in homeroom,
My mom met my dad when she found him bleeding by a phone booth.
He'd just been fired from the road crew, his hands blacker
than a coal shute, and nothing but a gold tooth.

And I'm a wreck, I'm a mess.
She's the real deal, man, she's a catch.
We're at the farmers market, she keeps running into friends,
and they wonder how we met, and I wonder how this ends, 'cause

I'm the bad boy, I'm her lost cause,
I'm her cat toy, she can be my swan song,
My high note, my cigarette, blindfold,
My last meal before I sink into the limestone.

Another girl who should have never checked her iphone,
probably should have never met me, lets see,
she was comin out the drugstore with bubblegum and spray tan,
I was goin in with a beretta in my waistband.

We're a joke, and we're both laughing,
call me old fashioned, but this type of stuff don't happen.
I can read her like she's close captioned, it's just a fling,
tomorrow morning this won't mean a thing.

No receipts, no coat check tickets
no teddy bear from the fair, no half-finished
waterbottle on the backseat, sunburns or sore feet,
She can get back to her life before me .

But, we threw pennies in the sistern.
But, it could never work.
But, she makes the pins in my wrist hurt.
But, it could never work.

But, we watched the river as a the bridge burned.
But, it could never work.
But, I know I'll instantly miss her.
(I know I'll instantly miss her.)

So we drive through the city in large circles
watch the blood red sunset plunge into dark purple
watch the purple go to unbroken navy,
there's no stars here, just gunsmoke and crazy.

We're feeling' sunstroked and lazy, drowsy.
We park near the city boundaries, by the
pretty foundries, I twist the key to camry,
listen to the transformers hum all around me.

And she listens to the moths hit the street lamps,
Listens to upholstery creak, leather seats,
as we listen to quiet, and sit in the silence,
both feeling unsure, both feeling sunburnt.
Track Name: We Both Kiss You (feat. Mitchmatic)
[Chorus]

Watch out where you shake yourself*
You're so good lookin' you should date yourself
but, let me take you out, let me take you out

Watch out where you shake yourself
You're so good lookin' that I hate myself
Like, I was cool 'til you did that!
We were all friends 'til you did that!

[Mikey]
You're cute x 1000, honey dip pretty dime
ten pennies any guy would be houndin'!
They buy you drinks by the gallon.
They buy you dinner, french bread, blue cheese on your salad.

So choose me for a challenge.
You like books, right? Being hard to read is my talent!
My forté, screw you up in four ways.
Those other guys will leave you bored, babe.

You're smart x a billion, freaking brilliant.
Speak brazilian. Huh? What? Portuguese?
Right! See? Brilliant.
Flawless. You came straight here from the office.
Let your hair down, bobby pins in your pocket.

And I know you know that all those guys are watchin',
all those guys with button up shirts keep on watchin',
keep on talkin', telling you what they've accomplished.
I'm just here to change the topic, babe.

[Mitch]
Janet seriously, pick up your beer and cheers it with me.
We're here and you are clearly intrigued, by hearing me speak,
like in the spirit of peace, I'll even invite Mikey
but it's likely he'll try to fight me.
Oh yeah, the dude's a menace.
A floozy with a voodoo fetish**, your clue to jet it.
He used to be so luminescent, but now he's stressin
pseudo-sedatives, suckling his sweet sudafed in.
Addiction. Don't date him. You probably would hate it.
Friction. And with his mother's name sacred, secret,
you're probably related, so come with me, baba!


[Mikey] Why Mitch? I mean I'm trying to understand why you would need a better man when he's so dull and I'm so good with kids. And he's standing there looking blank and I'm standing here with a cake, and he's a nice guy, but not the guy you wanna date.

[Mitch] Why Mikey? You don't even want kids. Especially not his. Dude's a better child than a father. Honest. I saw him buying up a vodka tonic at The Strat with a toddler!!

[MIkey] What's going on? You like that guy? That guy. With the bloody nose and the black eye??
[Mitch] Oh of course. See? He's always trying to fight me. You better get up out of my face, little Mikey.

[MIkey] Make me.
[Mitch] Oh you want a taste?
[MIkey] Please.
[Mitch] Well button up.
[MIkey] I'm gonna make you cry.
[Mitch] Fine show the lady.
[MIkey] Fine.
[Mitch] Fine, bring it on!
[MIkey] I saw this guy rollerblading!
[Mitch+MIkey] We both want to kiss you very much.


*Because you might have a great time. Where you shake yourself is entirely none of my business, or any man's business, and I dream of a world where you can shake yourself without any societal pressures. This line was meant to be a self-deprecating jab towards my own tendency to be completely undone and led astray by an attractive and confident self-shaker. This is a me problem, not a you problem. Please carry on.
**Mitch says this is a reference to my voodoo line in Mazda.
Track Name: Just Not Feelin' It
[Sorry x 10000]

I'm not used ta
girls crying in the Supra®,
crying in the shower, crying into loofas.
I understand that I'm pretty cute, but,
what's with all the crying all the hoopla!?

What's with all the back-and-forth,
half acting mad, half sorry?
I'm not asking you to pack and divorce me.
Just don't date me, or try to date me,
don't call me sugar and stop crying, baby.

Janet! Oops, I meant Janet, baby!
Jeeeeze! Sorry. I just call everybody baby!
I mean, only you, I only call you–called you!
Past tense, ah just don't cry, Janet!

Don't panic, don't order shots, don't damage
that, k, don't phone the cops, just hand it.
No I didn't know what I had when I had it,
Yes, I'm sure I took you for granted!

I don't understand it, what happened,
in the past it was– Janet! Stop throwing rocks! (Phone the cops.)
In the past, it was me getting stranded,
glommed onto beautiful women who wouldn't have it!

Then I turned 25 and I landed.
"A lot" of women like me, but all of them are 19.
Held together with pipedreams and tight jeans,
I'm like "Maybe that's what I need!"

I'm so dumb.

'Cause I'm just not feeling it.
Track Name: Holy Mess (feat. Franny)
He built a fort,
and tore it down,
now he floats,
up on his cloud.

He built a fire,
and blew it out,
now he burns,
full of doubt.

[Verse]

It's that rain coat kinda summer, greyed out kinda summer
you want a gin and lemonade* float kinda summer
parade float spend the day at the lake house
playing on your Uncle Dave's boat kinda summer.

But it's stay in make out, break down,
break up, find another, go numb kinda summer.
Luke-warm coffee in your rum kinda summer.
Since 21 this is all you've really done kinda summer.

But it's, just sharpy on the wrist kinda summer
you're twenty-six and you're too old for this.
You want your grandma to get to know your kids,
but you can't stop procastinating with all your friends.

And all you friends are all 20 and 21, you've spent the millenium,
sleepin', dreamin', and waitin', and stalli'n, and fallin' for everyone.
But never with anyone.
You believe in love, just haven't seen enough.

And you're a wreck, and your a mess.
And you're the real deal, man, you're a catch.
You're at Steel Wheels** hanging with your friends
You believe in love, but it's been slippin'

It's a buy a bike kinda summer, this is life kinda summer.
This is life. In Edmonton it feels like this is life.
It's beautiful and short, and you can build a fort,
but pretty soon you're watching leaves falling from your porch.

Snow falling on the porch. Know what I mean?
So who's beside you doing crosswords puzzles drinking ovaltine?
Is she a catch? Are you at rest?
Do you believe in love? And have you seen enough.

Well. You should probably get a date first.
You wanna make brunch guess you gotta break a couple eggs first.
Break a couple hearts first. I mean that's a gotta be
a lotta people's motto 'cause a lot of times your heart hurts.

And when you think that you'll be single until
you die in your apartment turn to oil and the stars burst,
until the universe freezes and it's God's turn,
to be alone***, well you should know that

You're a speck. And you're a breath.
But you believe in love, just haven't seen enough.
You're a speck. And you're a breath.
And you believe in love.

[Chorus]
You never know,
You never know,
You never know,
the hearts you hold.

*in reference to Gin and Lemonade by Liam Trimble
** a local pizza place
*** stated for poetic impact, not theological significance
Track Name: Hush
(Right now, I'm a sleep deprived night owl,
can't stop the poems in my mind when the lights out.)

(I think that I'm falling slowly...*)

She said: Hey!
I said: Carly!
She said: Kirsten.
I said: Sorry!
She said: What's up?
I said: Nothin'
I said: How's life?
She said nothing.

I said: School?
She said: Stressful.
She sais: School?
I said: Stressful.
She said: Major?
I said: Don't ask!
She knows hers but knows that I won't ask.

I'm the guy, like, with no plans.
And she's like spring break embodied.
She's got show stamps on both hands.
And I'm the guest list and Sharpie®.

And she's the first one that's on me.
And I'm the first one to comment.
And she's the first one to like this.
And I'm the last one to stop it.

Hush
We keep it
Hush
We keep it
Hush
Lime wedges, bottle caps
Hush

I said: Music?
She got texted.
She said: Sorry!
I said: Don't be.
She said: Sorry!
I said: Carly!
She said: Kirsten.
I said sorry.

I said: Music?
She said: Not bad.
She said: Camp Lo**?
I said: Not bad!
I said: Driving?
She said: Hardly!
Hush! Jager®, Smirnoff®, Bacardi®.

And we're both too old to party.
And we're both too young to realize.
And we're both done being artsy.
So we're both thirsty at mealtimes.

And she's the first one to feel right.
And I'm the first one to comment.
And she's the first one to like this.
And I'm the last one to stop it.

Hush...

* from "Orange County" by Pigeon John.
** Please listen to Uptown Saturday Night, by Camp Lo. You'll love it.
Track Name: Dating Someone You Actually Like
It's simple. Find someone you actually like.
Track Name: Swim Pretty (feat. The Joe)
[Chorus]

Hey baby! You're probably just a figment
of my imagination but Hey baby!
I like the way you sway, baby.
you make me want to make babies, and raise babies
Into grown men, and grown women,
you got me in my own head swimmin'
so let's go dippin'
Swim pretty, baby.

[Verse 1]

I gotta crush, and mickle mabbey gotta havey
cutie works at Tutti Frutti®, chocolate ripple triple candy
double fudge,
I order real important tip a quarter told her that I had to court her
her expression didn't budge, cuz she's so cute she's so tough
like she keeps a jump loaded in the trunk,
her last boyfriend's probably lying bloated in the dump,
But these toppings ain't the only things thats nuts, "Let's get lunch!"

She said: What
I said: Lunch
She said Fine
I said: What
She said: Saturday at 1, take your sunday and shut up

I said: [indiscernable] at a restaurant?
She told me the place and I floated away, with a dumb grin on my face
and I thought:

[Chorus]

Hey Baby! You're probably just a figment
of my imagination but Hey Baby!
I like the way you sway, baby
you make me want to make babies, and raise babies
Into grown men, and grown women,
you got me in my own head swimmin'
so let's go dippin'
Swim pretty, baby

[Verse 2]

A little bit of music, nice, a little bit seculed yikes
we're in the back, in a booth on Blues on Whyte* there's no food in sight but I guess she likes to drink lunch.
I didn't think was strange, I don't think much.
Black hair, black eyes, pink blush,
black pants, back that thing up
black sweater, brastraps SHUT UP

She smells like the coffee aisle, I smell like my laundry pile
She kisses my cheek, I shift in my seat, she's grinning at me like a crocodile.
I swallow and fall from the bench, and all of my friends are gettin pocket dialed.
She kisses my neck. Hey baby maybe we can get a drink and talk awhile?

She stops and smiles, orders me an oscar wilde,
pours it on the floor and says "Okay now lets go talk at my house"
I said: You got a lot of style and that's cool.
She said: I've gotta shrine of you in my room.

I said: What
She said: What
I said: SHRINE
she said: What
I said: Please
I said: Don't
I said: Kill
I said: Me

I'm like wake up, but I can't speak, her make up drips off
she's just a grey faceless shade and I'm right there in a nightmare screaming HEY BABY!

[Mushroom Trip/Outro]
Track Name: Keep Me
[When you don't have the strength or will to stay with someone, and have to trust that they do. And then they do.]

I once had this dream,
and we were together,
and we were both happy,
I know this means nothing, but in my dream,
this probably means nothing,
but you had this haircut,
exactly like the one you got today.

Do you believe in signs?
'cause I don't.
But I hope that you do, I need you to.
Do you believe in signs,
'cause I don't.
But I, I, I need you.

Keep me close, keep me warm.
Keep me near, keep me fed.
Keep me sane, keep me....

Keep me....

We were in church,
and we were hung over.
You drew in your Bible, but listened.
A woman was speaking. She told the church
how she met her husband.
How they had both prayed,
and were brought together by the will of God.

Do you think I'm the one?
'Cause I don't.
But I hope that you do, I need you to.
Do you think I'm the one,
'cause I don't.
But I, I, I need you.

Keep me close, keep me warm.
Keep me near, keep me fed.
Keep me sane, keep me....

Keep me....